CRQ

CHALLENGING REFERENCE QUESTIONS

compiled by Don Sakers

Do you have what it takes to be a public librarian? Try out these reference questions.

Remember that you are not allowed to laugh at people, and you must cite a source for every answer you give.
(No, your Aunt Tillie doesn't count as a source.)

Every one of these questions was asked in person or by telephone at the Information Desk in my presence. In some cases, I have conflated two or more questions for dramatic effect. Some questions seemed to cry out for a response; in those cases, you'll see my respons in blue.

Close but No Cigar
Let Me Think About That One...
Alphabetical Order and Other Library Mysteries
Looking For a Shortcut...
Practical Problems
I Thought the Library Had Everything!
What We Have Here...
It's...er...Hard To Tell

SECTION ONE: Ckose but No Cigar

(Click for answers if you don't recognize the source the person is asking for.)

I'm looking for that new book by Ayn Rand: The Gay Lunch Club. answer
Do you have Amy Chang's new book about kitchens? answer
Do you have a book called The Cameron Brothers ? I think it was written by Dostoyevsky. answer
Where can I find a copy of Robert's Book of Rules? answer
Why can't I find T.S. Eliot's The Sword in the Stone? answer
Do you have a study book for the Maryland Civil Rights Test? answer
Do you have something called The Maryland Anecdotal Code? answer
Do you have Where the Sidewalk Ends by E.B. White? answer
Do you have that new book The Penguin Firm? answer
Do you have How and When to Influence People by Carnigee? answer
Do you have Ann Kim's new book From the Kitchen Window? answer
I need a Clinton manual for car repair. answer
Do you have Ann Selleck's book Through the Years? answer
I'm looking for a book called Color Your Own Parachute and it's not listed in your catalog computer. Why not? answer
Do you have George Wallace's book on bridges in the south? answer
Do you have Britter Madness by Patty Osmond? answer
I'm looking for The Red Pony by John Seinfeld. answer
Do you have Book 3 of The Corpse by D.W. Griffith? answer
I'm looking for two sources called Done in Bradstreet and Standard in Poor. answer
I've looked in your computer for books on "tension order deficit." Why don't you have anything? answer
Can I have the cross-section? answer
I need a restoration form for a G.E.D. class, and my counselor said I could find it here.
[He was wrong.]
I need information on Martin Luther King's 95 Theses.
[Have you tried the door of Montgomery Cathedral?]
Do you have any books about the nuclear bomb they dropped on Chernobyl?
Do you have Cliff's Notes for George Orwell's 1982?
Do you have The Nightingale by John Webb? answer
Can you tell me how to spell "jeperize"? You know, like when you jeperize your career?
Patron: Do you have a biography of the actress Lucille O'Ball?
Librarian: Is it possible that you're looking for the actress named Lucille Ball?
Patron: (with a sneer) No, I don't want Lucille Ball. I am looking for Lucille O'Ball.
Do you have Shakespeare's You Can't Take It With You?
[Sorry, I guess he took it with him.]
Can you put me on the waiting list for that new bestseller, Cool Pond? answer
I want to request a book on tape by Patricia Cornwell. The title is Call Number.
I need the book I Know Why the Birdcage Sings answer

SECTION TWO: Let Me Think About That One

Why don't you have next week's New York Times yet?
[Well, you know how slow the Post Office can be.]
How often does The National Business Employment Weekly come out? How about Publisher's Weekly?
Do you have a color picture of those black-and-white cows?
[How could we tell?]
Can you help me figure out who's the author of the Berenstain Bears books?
I'm looking for a stock listing from The Wall Street Journal for April 31st. Why don't you have that issue?
[I'm sure it must be over there. Sometimes it gets stuck to the February 30th issue.]
I'm looking for the address and telephone number of a company called Becktell. Their phone number is 713-555-1234.
[Hold on, I'll call them and ask.]
I'm looking for a particular diet called The Fad Diet.
I want to find out about the life of slaves in Philadelphia in the 1900s.
Books on Maryland history -- now, would that include important people and events?
[Hell, no. If you're looking for important people and events, you want the woodworking section.]
Patron: I'm looking for a video on King Tut.
Librarian: Any particular video on King Tut?
Patron: Something recent.
I have a question: Can I vote Republican, even though I'm registered Democrat?
[I think we'd all prefer that you don't vote at all.]
I just read I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by Anonymous. Do you have any more books by that author?
[We're all waiting eagerly for her next book.]
I want a book for my son all about the Civil War, do you have anything without much violence in it?
[I think the word "Civil" may have misled you a bit.]
Do you have a biography of Einstein that's on a third-grade level? I got one from my daughter's school library, but it was way above her reading level.

SECTION THREE: Alphabetical Order & Other Library Mysteries

Can you help me find To Kill A Mockingbird? Over there on your Classics shelf, it goes right from Thomas Hardy to Nathaniel Hawthorne. answer
I can't find Home Office Computing magazine. In the alphabetical magazine section, it goes right from Healthline to Home Mechanix.
I'm looking for a microscope I can use for a few minutes. Do you have one there?
A duck and its babies just wandered across the road into the Library's front lawn. Shouldn't you call someone or something?
[We tried, but the Wandering Duck Hotline is busy.]
Do you have a Bantam book here? No, I don't know the title or author, but I know it's a Bantam book. Can't you just look that up?
[Phone call] Please overdue these books for me.
Do you keep your travel books separate on the computer?
[No, we keep them separate on the shelves.]
I'm seventeen and I want to get a library card. Is it okay if my mother already has one?
[No, she can't have a card until you're twenty-one.]
I need to find a list of important world events since 1983. Is that the sort of thing you'd find in an atlas?
I need to do a report on a 20th-century author, and I wanted to do Kate Chopin. But it says she was born in 1899. Would she be considered a 20th-century author?
[Gee, most of her important work was done at age eight months, but I believe she had one or two minor items published later in life.]

SECTION FOUR: Looking for a Shortcut....

Do you have Cliff's Notes on Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman?
I'm looking for videos on child abuse.
[Did you look in our How-To section?]
Do you have Cliff's Notes on Beethoven's Sixth Symphony?
[I think they're waiting until it comes out in paperback.]
Do you have a video that will show me how to put icing on a cake?
[Yes, but it's a ten-hour series.]
Isn't there some way to check on the ratings of various insurance companies if you don't know the names of the companies?
Do you have Cliff's Notes on Murder on the Orient Express?
[Yes, but unfortunately, they're longer than the book is.]
I'd like to know if I can return my books by phone.
[Sure. Just be careful slipping them through those tiny holes in the mouthpiece.]
Please tell me how I can vote by fax machine.
[Oh, just fax your vote here. We'll make sure it gets counted.]
Do you have videotapes on being a mortician?
[Doesn't anyone believe in on-the-job training any more?]
I have a list of names and addresses, and I'm looking for the phone numbers. Is there a quicker way to find them, besides looking them up in the telephone directory?
[Darn, our mental telepathy machine is on the fritz this morning!]
My little girl is going to be a flower girl at a wedding. Do you have any videos to help her prepare?
[No, but the Community College teaches a course.]

SECTION FIVE: Practical Problems

I need a few books about Black history as it relates to cosmetology.
[Of course you do.]
I need a book with ten thousand pages.
[Have you tried the latest Tom Clancy or David Eddings?]
Do you have Japanese newspapers? My son needs to get some baseball scores. (Patron was definitely not Japanese.)
I need a biography of Jesus Christ. I want to know if he was a vegetarian.
What sort of sign is posted by water with sharks in it?
My husband works with lead. I would like to know if levels of lead can be transmitted through the sperm. I am pregnant now and would like to know if any defects could be caused to the baby by my husband.
[Just how much did you -- oh, never mind!]
[Phone call] Do you have any videos on having a baby? I've gone into labor early and I didn't have a chance to finish my Lamaze class.
[And it's legal for you to breed?]
Do you have a book that tells me how to dig graves?
[Single, or mass?]
I want something on prenatal teaching -- how to teach your fetus.
[Oh, that poor, poor child.]
Do you have something to help my child prepare for the Kindergarten standardized tests?
[No, but I know a fetus who might be willing to tutor her.]
Can you give me the book value for a 1984 Pontiac Sunbrid? [The last year Pontiac made the Sunbird was 1980.]
Is a lady there with a green jacket on?
Do you have catalogs of cakes?
[Not only that, but we loan pastries for the standard three weeks.]
I need to know the proper format for a proclamation.
[I need to know why.]
I can't get your catalog computer to make a capital letter. What key do you push to get capitals?
[Oh, haven't you heard? Capital letters were outlawed in 1989.]
I'm looking for a book to help my cat. She is in mourning for the other cat, who just passed away.
[What's her reading level?]
[Telephone call] Yesterday I was using a book there in your reference section. It's black and orange. Can you tell me the title of that book?
[Hold on, I'll just look in the catalog under "black and orange."]
(Fifteen-year-old patron filling out a library card application form): Mom, how do you spell my middle name?
[Child, you have just forfeited the right to have a middle name.]
(Asked at the Information Desk at 5:24 PM): Are you closed now? It looks kinda empty, I thought maybe you close at 5 o'clock.
[We've been closed since three. We're the cleaning staff -- we just like playing library when nobody's here.]
What does "popular culture" mean?
Do you have information about travelling reupholstery shows? You know, they travel from town to town teaching reupholstering . . . .

SECTION SIX: I Thought the Library Had Everything

What religion is a person of Russian descent?
[Episcopalian. It's a law.]
Child: I want the address and phone number of California.
Librarian: What particular place in California?
Child: Just the whole state.
Mother: We got it here before, but we misplaced it.
[Hold on, I'll call Delaware and ask if she's seen it.]
I want a list of all the men who were soldiers in the Civil War.
Where can I find information about every Russian product sold in the U.S.? I need to know what they are and what companies manufacture them.
How many states are there in the United States? Are you sure it's fifty? I thought it was fifty-one.
[No, West Dakota seceded last week.]
What type of blood does a gorilla have?
I need to know the date (just the month and year) when the first boat was made.
What is the official definition of "quasi-government organization"? Not the dictionary definition -- I need the official government definition.
I need some pictures of the work of a batik artist named Tina Dunkley.
[Gee, she doesn't appear in The International Directory of Twentieth-Century Batik Artists.]
My teacher told me that you have blueprints for all public buildings. Where are they?
I need a photograph of what prehistoric man wore.
[Okay, but you might be disappointed. They only had black-and-white cameras back then.]
When was the very first test given? I just need the year.
[I don't know the year, but I think it was given aboard the first boat.]
I'm looking for an unauthorized autobiography of Frank Sinatra.
[I think we might have one of Ronald Reagan, will that do?]
I need something of multicultural math -- how they do math in other countries.
[Well, let's see -- in Germany, 1+1=6, but in France I think it's 8.]
Do you have something for children 8 to 14 years old, that will tell them how to start their own business? Something on how to write business plans?
[We don't have a book, but I know a fetus who could probably show them how....]
Isn't there a book about headstones -- comparisons of different types, where to buy them, how to avoid getting ripped off? Or maybe Consumer Reports would have it?
[How many are you planning to buy? Never mind.]
I'm looking for a book that will tell me which animals have toenails.
Do you have a tape of Abraham Lincoln giving the Gettysburg Address?
[Video, or audio?]

SECTION SEVEN: What We Have Here....

Patron: I want books on how to host a party. It's a shower.
Librarian: A wedding shower?
Patron: No, a bridal shower.
[Whoa! Good thing you stopped me!]
Patron: Where can I find a map of Seattle?
Librarian: Something like a road map...?
Patron: : No. A street map.
[Another close call!]
Patron: Do you have social studies books?
Librarian: What subjects did you need to find out about?
Patron: Uh...volcanoes.
I'm looking for books about the people of Latin America: the Aztecs, the Mayans, and all them.
Aisle One...now, where would that be?
[It's usually to the left of Aisle Two -- but sometimes it does scamper away.]
Patron: I'm looking for books on (reading from textbook) "Absolutism in Eastern Europe"
Librarian: Any countries in particular?
Patron: (still reading from text) Uh, yeah. Russia, Austria, and Baroque.

SECTION EIGHT: It's ... er ... Hard to Tell ....

What color and fabric is the Iron Curtain?
[I understand it was a delightful pale blue chintz before they tore it down.]
Did Hebrewism come from Islamic? Did Islamic branch off of Hinduism?
[And what did you branch off of?]
How powerful is a magnifying glass?
[Twelve. Definitely twelve.]
What court would you go to if you were accused of a crime?
Can you tell me when the English word "pillow" was first used? Was it before the time of Christ?
Do you have statistics on unreported violence?
[Gee, for some reason, nobody seems to have reported them.]
Sometime about the year 400, there was a big scholarly meeting where they decided what books would be in the Bible. It was attended by the Catholics, and the Church of England, and all the Protestant churches. What was that meeting called?
[Phone call; patron asked for a book on organic chemistry] That book you have, is it on a high school or college level, or is it more like an Elementary School textbook?
[Oh, it's a third-grade Organic Chemistry textbook. Did you want something on a higher level?]
I'm writing an article on the Space Shuttle Discovery and I have two questions.
1. Does each Space Shuttle have its own name, or do they just call them all Discovery?
2. "Discovery" -- is that a regular word in common use, or did they make it up for the Space Shuttle?
I'm looking for something about the Annapolis Convention of 1776. It was right before the Revolutionary War, and it had to do with the Union and the Confederates trying to get together. [The Annapolis Convention of 1787 laid the groundwork for the Constitutional Convention.]
Do you have an autobiography of the Emancipation Proclamation?
[Yes, and it's even unauthorized!]
Is an earthquake considered a type of weather?
[In California, maybe. Here, it's social studies, just like volcanoes.]
My son has to do a timeline of events in world history. Can you think of anything important that's happened since 1982?
[Nope, not a blessed thing.]
Can you help me find some pictures of chivalry?
[No. Just "No."]
I need a book about Smallpox: its symptoms, how you get it, and how it's used in dentistry.
[Aha! That explains a lot....]
What are the exact dimensions of those things at the side of the road, that they cover with macadam?
[Exactly yay-high by so-long.]
In what year did Thomas Jefferson invent the light bulb?
I need to know about the cross in religion and its originality. You know, when Jesus was on the cross, was he in an upright position, or was it more like upright to-and-fro?
[It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.]

Does anyone else think that the Official ALA-sanctioned Library Symbol looks like someone sitting on the toilet reading a book?

(And they complain because no one takes Librarians seriously as Professionals.)

[I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Librarians will never be regarded as Professionals, like Doctors or Lawyers, until the Legislature passes laws making it illegal for anyone except licensed Librarians to dispense information.]

opinions expressed herein are personal, and do not reflect the official position of the Anne Arundel County Public Library, the American Library Association, the National Hockey League, or the governments of Brunei, Borneo, or Nether Monkton.

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